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I am 23. This month, my boyfriend of one year broke up with me. I was totally surprised, and am still devastated by it and in love with him. I have asked a few times about getting back together, but he is not interested. So I am trying to move on, which isn't easy. It's even harder when we both turn up at the same holiday parties. I'm scared (but also sort of hoping) that we will be at the same New Year's Eve party. But I don't want to stay home alone. Help!
Nina, Brooklyn
Welcome to the Heartbreak Hotel, Nina. It is my sad duty to report that most of us have checked in for a spell (or three), often feeling mowed down by a fleet of midsize trucks. But in time, those trucks will feel more like flammable hoverboards, and eventually, like tiny children stepping on your toes. It gets better. And exploring this bummer with friends or a therapist will give you more emotional depth and make you smarter about the next guy. (And there will be a next guy — really.)
Short-term helpful hints: Up-tempo breakup music, turned up loud, can be wildly cathartic. Sing your heart out! I flash back to Macy Gray, who ruled my stereo when my ticker was last crushed: "I try to say goodbye, and I choke. I try to walk away, and I stumble." Also great: Cake's angry cover of "I Will Survive." (We all do.) Avoid ballads (a.k.a. Adele) for now. And take plenty of brisk walks and treadmill jogs to the aforementioned soundtrack.
Continue reading the main storyGood for you that you didn't bail on your holiday parties. Keep going. Give your ex a smile and a nod when you see him, but avoid deeper engagement. Better to keep your game face on. (See also: "Tracks of My Tears.") And if you have a chance to do new things with new people, jump on it. Last thought: drink lightly. Booze may seem cheery-making, but at heart, it's a big old depressant. Good luck! We're rooting for you.
To Surname, With LoveMy husband and I have been married for a year. I chose to keep my last name, which my husband supports. Still, we get mail and lots of holiday cards addressed to: Mr. and Mrs. John Smith — Smith, of course, being his name. This makes me feel left out. Is it worth tackling this with family and fri ends?
K.M., New York
Absolutely! You've "only just begun," as Karen Carpenter sang in that velvety voice of hers. Nip this in the bud. And how better to get what we want than by saying what we want? Try not to get too hung up on people's assumption that you took your husband's name. It is a little weird, nowadays, but there was a long tradition of it being automatic, and many women still take their husbands' surnames.
Send postcards to those in error (or mention it the next time you write): "Thanks for the 70-pound fruitcake. We wanted to let you know, for future correspondence, that John and I kept our own surname s. Please update your address book." How else will family and friends (and your bank) know your preference?
New Year's Eve FollyA close friend invited us to her home for New Year's Eve. It's a tiny gathering: just my wife and me, her and her young daughter — and movies, Champagne and Uber. Another close friend of mine, who has only a business relationship with the hostess, asked me if she could come, too. I asked, and the hostess said, "No, it would change the dynamic." (I agree.) But the hostess also asked me not to spoil her business relationship with my friend. What should I do?
Anonymous
Avoid becoming the messenger. (They don't always get shot, but. …) Tell your pal: "I've thought it over, and I don't feel comfortable asking Susan. It's not my party." All true, even if it omits part of the dance you've already done with your hostess.
It is almost always a bad idea to ask for invitations. But sometimes we panic about being left out and misstep. So, be kind, but don't create headaches for yourself or your hosts by stepping into the middle of guest lists that aren't yours.
Gifts That Stand OutWe received an increasing number of holiday gifts this year with notes that said, "Would you mind wrapping this?" We do mind. So we put the cardboard boxes under the tree, unwrapped. Should we continue doing this or send an announcement that our wrapping service is no longer available?
Deborah, Chapel Hill, N.C.
If I hadn't received this question from four other readers, I wouldn't have believed it. Who does this? Even online companies offer gift wrapping for a small fee. Don't waste another minute thinking about it. I have — and got nowhere. Place the gifts in their plain cardboard boxes under your tree, consider slapping festive bows on top and thank the folks who gave them to you. It's a weird request , but accidentally green — and definitely rhetorical. And on balance, the thoughtfulness of the gift outweighs its bare-boned packaging.
