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Friday, October 16, 2015
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Field Notes: After Ashley Madison Breach, Online Daters Check Credentials
In online dating, it is not who you know but how much you know about your potential suitor that matters. That point was driven home by the Ashley Madison data breach in July, which unleashed the personal information of more than 30 million users of the site, which aids those seeking extramarital affairs.
The revelations served as a notice to those in the online dating trenches, some of whom have taken to hiring private investigators or matchmakers or turned to specialized data sites to uncover the marital status and reputations of those they are dating.
"Ashley Madison was kind of eye opening," said Shayne Veramallay, 37, who works in finance in New York and Short Hills, N.J.
Mr. Veramallay, a veteran user of dating sites like OkCupid, eHarmony, Plenty of Fish and Match.com, said that through those services he's found himself more than a few times in the company of women who are still living with their boyfriends or "easily 60 to 100 pounds heavier" than their photos. "It shed light on a lot of issues I face with online dating. You never know who's on the other end."
Clearly, a certain wariness (if not weariness) has set in. But rather than holing up at home playing Words with Friends, concerned daters have taken to researching their suitors beyond the requisite trolling of Google and Facebook.
Some are turning to specialized search tools, like Spokeo, an online verification service. Others are using private investigators and matchmakers to do the vetting for them.
In August, for example, traffic on Spokeo by those doing background checks on the people with whom they were involved more than doubled. This included ages, street addresses, phone numbers and the names of their housemates, as well as matches for email addresses on more than 65 social media networks.
"There are so many more people leading double lives than I could have fathomed," said Carly Robyn Green, a recording artist and songwriter who lives in Los Angeles and whose concerns are in line with those of other millennials. "To discover that a number of people are not who they say they are, that was the most astounding factor. I'm now trying to date with a little more awareness and vigilance."
It's no wonder. In this era of dating sites, apps and social media, when it's easy to fudge personal details like age, height, weight, employment, financial stability and — yes — marital status, daters have long worried that the people they meet aren't who they claim to be.
These concerns heightened as the revelations about Ashley Madison, a site whose users who were found to be overwhelmingly men, unfolded over the summer.
Ms. Green's dating efforts had included experimenting with apps like JSwipe, Tinder and Hinge. She was unimpressed.
"Hinge shows mutual friends," she said, "but it hides last names until you match and doesn't allow you to contact those mutual friends. JSwipe is similar: no last names. It's a guessing game. You still don't know if the person you're sitting down with is in a relationship or seeking something serious."
In addition, few if any dating sites have barriers that would exclude married people or those already in a relationship.
"Too often they found themselves on dates with unavailable people," said Samantha Daniels, a professional matchmaker in New York who has spent the la st 16 years listening to clients complain about the people they meet online. So last spring, Ms. Daniels started the Dating Lounge, a free invitation-only app.
"You don't want to love somebody who doesn't really love you back," said Melanie Kron, 39, a New York journalist who recently discovered that the man she was seeing was engaged to someone else, a woman with whom he had two children. "You want people to give you what you're giving to them. You should emotionally invest in something real, and when people lie to you, you question yourself."
"A lot of people didn't know Ashley Madison existed until it was in the news cycle," said Danny Boice, the founder of Trustify, a private investigation service. After the revelations, Mr. Boice said T rustify had to hire about 15 temporary employees just to answer the phones.
Selective Search, an executive matchmaking firm based in Chicago, also reported a bump in calls after the Ashley Madison hack, said Mitch Berk, the firm's chief executive. And Tawkify received more inquiries from people wanting to meet someone who has been properly vetted, said E. Jean Carroll, a co-founder of the matchmaking service.
Trustify's Mr. Boice said that a number of inquiries came from people seeking offline, real-world surveillance, including one client who told him: " 'My gut's telling me something may be wrong. And then I heard about this Ashley Madison thing and I need someone to check out my suspicions,' " Mr. Boice said, adding, "They want us to help val idate or invalidate their concerns."
But not everyone wants to go the private eye or personal matchmaker route. For one, such services aren't cheap. Ms. Daniels's matchmaking fees start at $25,000. Trustify charges $67 an hour; Tawkify's fee is $500 for arranging two carefully chosen dates a month.
Some people are trying less expensive modes of checking a potential suitor's worthiness.
Ms. Green, who joined the Dating Lounge, feels comfortable knowing that she has access to other users' networks of friends. "It's a vetted network," she said. "I like that last names are exposed. It's t ransparent. You know who you're meeting."
In addition to being invited, interested parties can also get on the app's waiting list. But if someone who is married or in a relationship tries to join, their membership is automatically blocked, with a pop-up message saying: "This app is for single people only. Please go spend time with your significant other!"
Mr. Veramallay, who said he has met women on dating websites who post photos that are six years old, and others who surprise him with the news that they are not gainfully employed, has also taken to using the Dating Lounge. "To me, to be able to cut through the nonsense is worth it," he said.
Shaun Eli Breidbart, 54, a single comedian in New York, said: "I don't think I've ever met anyone online who is married, but I've definitely come across, 'Gee was that a picture of your daughter or you from 20 years ago?' That happens frequently. Online daters quickly learn that if someone has three attractive photos and one ugly one, the ugly one is the accurate one. Most of us have better pictures from when we were younger and had more hair, in the men's case."
After dating a man who "ended up being all the wrong things," said Heidi Brandt, 41, a life coach in Hilton Head, S.C., she put herself on a dating hiatus, at least until a friend set up an online dating profile for her and nudged her back into the game.
< p class="story-body-text story-content" data-para-count="163" data-total-count="7071" itemprop="articleBody">But this time, Ms. Brandt said, she decided to "learn to listen to that voice inside that whispers — and then yells at you — that something isn't right.""Learning to trust again is one thing," she said. "But learning to trust myself is where I'm at. If you get to the point where you're thinking about stalking them — searching through their phone or wanting to hire a P.I. or track where they are — you already know the answers. You just want confirmation."
"The truth is always sexier than a lie," said Ms. Carroll of Tawkify, who is also an advice columnist for Elle magazine. "It's always more powerful."
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